June Gloom

I haven't been really social on the internet lately. I will be the first to admit that.

This is actually a really common saying in blogland, but declaring, "I'll get around to reading and commenting on everyone's blogs" is still obligatory even after bloggers in a community know that that intention has always been there.

Why the absence? Ordinarily, my excuse for being absent is that work is taking up all of my time, and while that is consistently a truth, it occurs to me that the same 'not-feeling-so-up-to-it' in recent weeks often manifests in the season right around my birthday.¹ No, I don't know why this happens. Birthdays are supposed to be a time for celebration, right?

One possible reason that this season makes me sense the weight of the world is likely because a birthday is often a time for self-evaluation. I suppose thinking about it that way means that someone with meager self-esteem (Hi, there) has a dubious chance of coming out on top. Wow. That's a downer.

What I do know from much experience is that feeling down while at the same time being embarrassed and guilty about being down prevents you from reaching out for someone to listen and possibly alleviate some of this anxiety. Feeling bad for feeling bad is its own problem because I don't ever want to admit any of this to anyone. Besides, I would rather not drag people down with me.

While I'm honest about what I say and think, I make it a point to not express how I feel. I don't like admitting that I feel anything because I find that information to be rather personal, and since nobody ever asks, that usually works out.

Additionally, I don't ever admit to feelings because being called 'emo' invokes a bitch-slap reflex that I have learned to tame since I have come to realize people have taken that word far away from its original meaning.²

My point is I bottle up feeling bad because I think it will pass, and while I'm usually right, on this particular occasion I find myself so very wrong. If you've interacted with me in real life, you probably don't even sense this from me, but that comes from a habit developed over the course of what is now 28 years. In social situations, I put away feeling bad so that I can smile and laugh and engage positively with the people around me. I don't get a ton of time around people in the physical space, and I don't want that time squandered by weighing it down with my personal bullshit.

I do not wear my heart on my sleeve. I keep it under lock and key.

And all of a sudden, the "keep on keepin' on" proverb that rings across generations starts making sense: Charlie Chaplin encouraging us to smile; later, Freddie Mercury telling us that the show must go on; and even today, we've got that over-parodied song about a bad day.

Maybe it's time I changed my tune and stopped suppressing my human side.

We'll start with this post.

Which is Flag Day, if you're curious.
That is, an insult in the underground hardcore scene, dating back to circa 1985. Or: "Them's fightin' words."

http://mininggarnet.wordpress.com/ Garnet

First of all, Happy Birthday! Your feelings on your birthday are totally, totally common and I think lots of people become either down or particularly reflective around birthdays and holidays. I dunno, maybe it's the milestone aspect of them or maybe it has to do with expectations and what you thought things would look like and what they actually do. Like you said, lotsss of self-reflection. I get that way too, sometimes, but regardless I still fucking love birthdays and wish we lived in the same state so I could buy you some whiskey. Because one thing I love even more than birthdays is whiskey.

As someone who unapologetically wears their heart on their sleeve, I can tell you it has its ups and downs, HOWEVER, for me, the times I've been lower than I thought possible, talking about it with people has saved me. Literally, saved me. So yeah, still have those days where you don't talk to a single person all day and only listen to Bon Iver and cry (no? just me?) but have a day or two where you reach out to someone and know you'll be met with understanding and an open ear. And hopefully some whiskey.
http://mininggarnet.wordpress.com/ Garnet

First of all, Happy Birthday! Your feelings on your birthday are totally, totally common and I think lots of people become either down or particularly reflective around birthdays and holidays. I dunno, maybe it's the milestone aspect of them or maybe it has to do with expectations and what you thought things would look like and what they actually do. Like you said, lotsss of self-reflection. I get that way too, sometimes, but regardless I still fucking love birthdays and wish we lived in the same state so I could buy you some whiskey. Because one thing I love even more than birthdays is whiskey.

As someone who unapologetically wears their heart on their sleeve, I can tell you it has its ups and downs, HOWEVER, for me, the times I've been lower than I thought possible, talking about it with people has saved me. Literally, saved me. So yeah, still have those days where you don't talk to a single person all day and only listen to Bon Iver and cry (no? just me?) but have a day or two where you reach out to someone and know you'll be met with understanding and an open ear. And hopefully some whiskey.
Jas

You had me at 'embarrassed.' I don't really know your situation, but I know what it feels like to be regretful and mortified at the same time. Hugs.

There is a lot to be said for suppressing your emotions. People tend to see you as a consistent, strong, human being.

Not to say this about ALL heart-sleeve-wearers, but I have noticed that the ones who tend to use that phrase to describe themselves have a way of putting too much of themselves out there.

You can feel, you can have emotions, you can do whatever you want to do. You can also change. ("It's your thing, do what you wanna do.")

Garnet's so right: it's totally normal to feel this way on your birthday. But try to take your mind off things and go out of your way to do something fun today. It'll take the edge off.

Maybe I'm just going by your twitter picture, but you don't look 28.
Jas

You had me at 'embarrassed.' I don't really know your situation, but I know what it feels like to be regretful and mortified at the same time. Hugs.

There is a lot to be said for suppressing your emotions. People tend to see you as a consistent, strong, human being.

Not to say this about ALL heart-sleeve-wearers, but I have noticed that the ones who tend to use that phrase to describe themselves have a way of putting too much of themselves out there.

You can feel, you can have emotions, you can do whatever you want to do. You can also change. ("It's your thing, do what you wanna do.")

Garnet's so right: it's totally normal to feel this way on your birthday. But try to take your mind off things and go out of your way to do something fun today. It'll take the edge off.

Maybe I'm just going by your twitter picture, but you don't look 28.
http://www.katieblogs.com Katie

My favorite time is when we DElurk from the shadows of each other's blogs. You know, when it feels right. I don't want to say that I can relate to you, even though I can. It becomes almost too easy to put on that happy face and just 'fake it 'til you make it'. But at the same time, you kind of just have to feel those bad feelings. Having a bad day? E-mail that shit to me. Or someone. Or no one. Just write it. Because as weird as it sounds, it's much better out than in. You know my history, you know where I've been to, and one of the biggest lessons I've learned is to just let it out.

Oh, and if you're going through hell, keep on going. (Even if it's not so much hell as just a mini downer time).

And come to Philadelphia so we can frolic through the city while drinking beer and talking to bums.

And Happy Bithday!
http://www.katieblogs.com Katie

My favorite time is when we DElurk from the shadows of each other's blogs. You know, when it feels right. I don't want to say that I can relate to you, even though I can. It becomes almost too easy to put on that happy face and just 'fake it 'til you make it'. But at the same time, you kind of just have to feel those bad feelings. Having a bad day? E-mail that shit to me. Or someone. Or no one. Just write it. Because as weird as it sounds, it's much better out than in. You know my history, you know where I've been to, and one of the biggest lessons I've learned is to just let it out.

Oh, and if you're going through hell, keep on going. (Even if it's not so much hell as just a mini downer time).

And come to Philadelphia so we can frolic through the city while drinking beer and talking to bums.

And Happy Bithday!
http://twitter.com/redFred Fred

I can relate, and have moments where I'd rather just avoid attention. Usually I let it get the better of me, and avoid going out or worse, be out and in a bad mood. I admire that you can recognize it when it comes and shut it down. You really do a good job of keeping a bright face on because I never see that side of you in public.

I think having a birthday party is fun not because of the spotlight on yourself but because it's a time to get together all the friends you love best and see them all together in one place, if only once a year. It's not even about the presents, it's about spending time with your favorite people.
http://twitter.com/redFred Fred

I can relate, and have moments where I'd rather just avoid attention. Usually I let it get the better of me, and avoid going out or worse, be out and in a bad mood. I admire that you can recognize it when it comes and shut it down. You really do a good job of keeping a bright face on because I never see that side of you in public.

I think having a birthday party is fun not because of the spotlight on yourself but because it's a time to get together all the friends you love best and see them all together in one place, if only once a year. It's not even about the presents, it's about spending time with your favorite people.

nicopolitan.com

(It's a blog.)