The Unyielding Wall

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[photo credit: Evan D. Stiles]

I've conversed at length with my friends here in LA and many of my interweb pals about my outright dismissal of romance in my own life. It turns out I have a serious case of walls.

Wait, let's take a step back. I need to frame this post.

I'm seeing a lot of back and forth out there in blogland about two somewhat opposing ethos. On the one hand, there's putting your best foot forward, and on the other hand there's holding nothing back and revealing who you are. They're both means to the end of the social currency of blogging: integrity. Even the silliest and most smartass of bloggers say what they say with intention, whether they realize it or not.

In my case, working on the internet makes the whole honesty gig frankly kind of risky, but I'm going to try anyway.

In a very rare instance and at the risk of personal branding (whatever that is), I'm going to go out on a limb and reveal something about myself to try to make a point, but in the meantime, shit's about to get real.

You see, I have a personality flaw. It's not an uncommon one, but it makes romance, dating, courtship, what-have-you, kind of a moot effort. Sure, there's the perspective of "being single is great! I get to do whatever-the-fuck I want whenever I want!" which helps me live life on my own terms, but I'd be unrealistic if I said that being single never got lonely sometimes.

The problem isn't accessibility of potential mates (arguable), it's that I am not inclined to My problem stems from trust issues. Sounds like it would be a typical "guy" problem, right? Well, it's not fear of commitment, if that's what you're thinking. I have no problems committing to something and believing in it at the same time. So what is the issue?

It's that fucking wall. It's a wall that doesn't let anyone get to me, and it's a wall that I don't know how to take down. Nobody's been past this wall.

Am I hoping someone will get close enough to tear down that wall? Optimistic Nico says, "Eh, maybe someday." And that's not even really that optimistic. Realistic Nico says: Nope. The wall stays. And nobody is getting in. No exceptions.

You might say, "that's a shame." I don't think it is. Nobody's tried to get close to the wall because, hell, it's damn wall. It's just corroded bricks and peeling layers of paint. Nobody thinks twice about walking right past it. Move along, the wall says, nothing to see here.

"But Nico," you say, "how do you go through life knowing that people don't truly know you? Doesn't that make you sad?"

Look, don't worry about it. Robots don't get sad. :) See? Besides, if nobody's ever gotten past the wall, it's not like anything changes if things continue along this same path.

The point of all of this is to see what is and is not appropriate for transparency in blogging. My blog isn't funny, fashionable, opinionated, or even all that informational. This means that the currency I have to exchange in bloglandia is made up of "putting myself out there." I just revealed something about myself I would actually have preferred to have left unsaid because of all of the different questions it might raise.

I'm not sure whether or not the above information makes me more or less transparent since the issue is that I have a problem revealing myself in general, but it's likely that being transparent with one's flaws on a blog is, in fact, putting your best foot forward.

And with that, I think I just learned something about the internet. It seems that blog readers are looking for humanity, but not in the vague sense, and they aren't necessarily looking for flaws per se. They are likely looking for one of three things bloggers tend to offer: fun, edification, community.

So what are you putting out there?

  • http://www.justatitch.com Amy — Just A Titch

    Well, I will be forever hoping that someone gets past those walls. You're so fucking fabulous and someone deserves to experience that in all it's glory, sans walls.

    As for what I put out there, well...as much as I can, without feeling unsafe, without telling stories that belong to others, and without causing problems in my "offline life." So. A lot. But not everything.

  • http://linda.curious-notions.net linda

    i'm with amy. i will forever hope someone breaks through those walls. you're great. kind and insightful. and helpful (hello! you sent me links to consolidate my inboxes though I've still been too lazy to read those links.)

    do you ever get lonely?

  • http://emily-jane.net Emily Jane

    "I just revealed something about myself I would actually have preferred to have left unsaid because of all of the different questions it might raise."

    ... and didn't it feel good?

    I can't speak for the entirety of the blogosphere, but I feel like by putting everything out there, it's my way of showing the world who I truly am. In real life, there's all sorts of societal/imagined acceptable behaviours, and walking around with a giant placard advertising the ins and outs of your personality isn't generally one of them, however I feel this giant need for people to know EXACTLY who I am, I believe as a result of all the years I tried to be someone I wasn't in order to simply fit in. I will never write anything intended to hurt or offend anyone, but if I want to talk about something I'm passionate about (see exhibit A, last Wednesday) that may, I'll stick a password on it. Yes, it may very well lose me my three-week-away wedding temporarily (!), but I'll figure it out. I'll still stand up for myself and what I believe in. And there's always a plan B. At the end of the day, it's important to me to know I was 100% authentic - it's a good way of weeding out those who stick around just for the people-pleasers, and hanging onto the ones who know you inside out and stick around anyway.

    Thanks for such a thought-provoking post Nico. Though I do hope someone gets past the walls one day, because there's an awful lot of awesome behind them.

  • http://www.kellylea.blogspot.com Kelly L

    Hmm. Walls are nice. I have walls. They're safe.

    And yet, I suspect we are both going about this the wrong way.

  • http://connectingtheblackdots.com JenBetweenDots

    Nico, you're awesome.

    Also, I'm with Kelly - walls are nice and safe. I have them too

  • http://doniree.com doniree

    I think you're right about that humanity thing - people want people who can identify, who can relate, and that's why "getting real" is encouraged, for lack of a better word. And the beauty of that is that "getting real" means different things for different people, and well - you might've just chipped away at one of those bricks. Or at least drilled a peep hole for us.

  • http://sleepyjane.wordpress.com/ sleepyjane

    I can identify with this post (to some degree). Maybe I haven't completely walled myself off from the people I'm closest to but the idea of sharing the deepest darkest parts of me makes me want to hyperventilate and stick my head in the oven. It feels like it would leave me way too exposed. And honestly? It makes me a little sad. No one will ever really know me.

    Hugs friend. The parts we get to see are rather amazing, just so you know. :)

  • http://www.mrseb.co.uk Sebastian

    Ahhh! The wall... how well I know thee.

    I have one too. I'm not quite sure why mine exists, though (and I note you didn't discuss the reason for yours, either).

    Definitely gets a bit lonely from time to time :(

  • http://phampants.wordpress.com phampants

    The irony of this post is that I could have written the exact same words

  • http://thesethougtsinsidemyhead.blogspot.com Heather

    I hope someone gets past that wall one day. You are an amazing person.

  • http://EvieStewartsFunnyBone.com Evie Stewart

    I've noticed you peeking over the wall at times, and definitely showing your humanity, so give yourself a break. Maybe there hasn't been anyone on the other side of the wall who makes it worth jumping yet. Give it time. There will be.
    xo/evie
    (nice pic of a wall btw)

  • http://www.writingtoreachyou.com Ashley

    So, I read this when you actually posted it, but I'm just now getting around to commenting.

    If you have a case of the walls, then I have a case of the me toos. And I don't know what to do about it, but sometimes I wonder if the walls are really as tall or as sturdy as I think. It's just that I have a lot of walls--many layers of them, I think--and I have been surprised by how easily some of them fell. Usually not because I put dynamite to them, but because the right person got a little too close with a pickaxe and, for my part, I didn't go running. Of course I wish I had the guts for the dynamite approach, but a pickaxe is at least getting me somewhere.