This post is inspired by Kyla Roma's tattoo post.
Thanks, Courtney, for drawing my attention to this song.
If you've been here before, you know that I firmly believe that I am a robot.
To first understand why this is so important to me, you have to know that one of my tattoos is an armband that is a barcode. It's visible in this old picture of me working in the wee hours of the morning to the right.
You look so sad, Nico! some of you might say, but what you should know is that at the point that picture was taken I had been working for a straight 20+ hours, and at some point a robot needs to conserve resources and needs to kill the emotion processing. It takes some debugging, but turning off emotions becomes second nature after a while and it's really worth the effort. So, in terms of being a robot, I'm actually in a comfortable stasis. Besides, who has time to feel things when there are 1,400 lines of code to take apart and put back together?
Following that train of thought, you'd think that being numb to emotion is a bad thing. As you're likely human, you probably think that being unfeeling is a trait of being unhealthy. Or, if you know how energetically good-natured I tend to be in real life, you'd think emotionless-Nico isn't a reasonable description.
Here's the thing: I've figured out that I'm a robot with a hospitality upgrade. In addition to lending a hand where I can, I smile, I joke, I laugh, I manage to get along with everyone because of advanced empathy receptors. I don't think anyone is really a douchebag or a heinous bitch because I can't, and besides, those kinds of judgmental thoughts are immaterial to my purposes. Being good-natured helps my cause. A congenial attitude in relationships with humans makes interaction with humans easier, and thus, more efficient.
Why would a person even want to think like this?
And here's where the tattoo's story is relevant: Yes, it's a barcode. But it's a barcode that actually scans. What reads out when it's scanned?
It reads out as "balanced wheel", which is a reference to Dante's La Divina Commedia, from the final verse of the book, Paradiso:
[...] like a wheel in perfect balance turning,
I felt my will and my desire impelled
By the Love that moves the sun and the other stars.-Dante Alighieri, Paradiso, Canto XXXIII
I was constructed to be aware that there are things that are more important than the individual.
Act for the greater good. Be aware of the common interest. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. I am a number, but I am a number in a complex formula; a variable that makes the equation sound. I am a cog in a machine makes the machine work, and I choose very carefully to lend my talents and abilities to very specific machines. And these machines -- be they a deity ("Love", or 'God' if you're reading the Divine Comedy), the government, the family, the corporation, the internet, the scene, the future, etc. etc. -- are forces that determine how I can and will act.
This is not bleak. This is the denial of self in the interest of affecting something bigger. To change the future for the better, to make it brighter.
But Nico, says the reader, this blog is about you as an individual. While that's one dimension, this blog is very much an intent to be part of a network. It connects me to the subculture of the interweb. It attaches me to others. It gives a means by which others can connect and hopefully use me. And this has worked -- I have found people to give me instructions, to involve me in fulfilling a purpose.
Wikipedia defines a robot as "an automatically guided machine, able to do tasks on its own. Another common characteristic is that by its appearance or movements, a robot often conveys a sense that it has intent or agency of its own."
So if you were to ask me to define: intent, my answer is pretty clear.
I'm here to help.
But am I happy being a robot?
That depends. Did I help? If the answer is 'yes,' then I am happy because I am functioning properly. If the answer is 'no,' it means my work is not yet done.
"A man chooses. A slave obeys."*
I obey.
I am a robot.
May I help you?
___________
*Quote from Andrew Ryan in the original BioShock. Geek reference.
I can definitely see how being a robot would help me get through those long hours at work. It’s all that emotional, feel-y stuff that drags me down. Thankfully, it lifts me up too.
You’re kind of like the Rosie (maid on the Jetsons) of the blogosophere! Always very generous. I hope you know how much we appreciate it!
Robot or whatever, this is beautiful. And while I’m way too feel-y to be a robot, I identify with SO much of this… that your purpose is to be a part of a bigger picture. I don’t see my purpose as clearly as you see yours, but it’s still the same. I love this, Nico.
Not to get all A.I., but I have to ask: can a robot love?
I love this. Seriously. What a great post.
Definitely a great post. Loved it.
I mean, whaaat? Kyla’s post was incredible, heartfelt and touching, and you follow it up with a dose the same humility and honesty that few could muster. And you do it in a totally unique, very introspective way.
You’re method of operation is something I’ve always identified with…you really are someone purely motivated by the process of being helpful, useful, and friendly. Not the overall outcome…the process of it and commitment to it. I used to think everyone should and could be like that, but as I become an old man I suspect that the inputs necessary to make that kind of mentality rewarding is quite rare.
Which actually drives a stake into the heart of your claims to be robotic, as a robot might easily be replicated.
:)
wow. love the tattoo. love the concept. love the robot. just sayin.
wow, this is SUCH a badass tattoo story! I love it! This is the first time I have thought of “cog in the machine” in a positive light. You have managed to give this such a favorable air.. I commend you for being part of a greater good!
Wow… great post. Really great.
Also? I cant believe the tattoo actually scans. Thats awesome.
1. love regina spektor. thanks for sharing.
2. you’re awesome. you shed a very mature light on life with your very collectivist attitude as opposed to the individualistic attitude so prevalent everywhere. i really like that about you.