Nicopolitan Guide To Modern American (part 1)

I listen to the news on the way to work for weather and traffic.  I’ve noticed that even when the newscasters eff up what they’re reading by stuttering, mispronouncing, or misreading headlines, they play it off with grace and realistic pragmatism.  They are human, they aren’t perfect, no big deal. They don’t stop dead in their tracks — they move on to more news.  It is, after all, their job.

Mostly, however, they speak in perfect American.  Note here that I’m assuming we are so far removed from “English” that I will just relegate that language to… well, the English.

ramblerambleramble OK so this reminded me of how I’d like to bring up some certain terms that have been brought to my attention that I think every international traveler might find useful when dealing with us Americans.  This post is inspired by recent visitors in my apartment from Switzerland and then the UK, and a pending Slovakian. Yes, those are their own stories.

It’s proof that we don’t all sound like we belong on the broadcast airwaves.

Right?

I’m not the only person to illustrate this phenomenon. “Right?” is used to emphasize points made by self or other.  If delivered in regards to a statement made by one’s self, it replaces the phrase “Don’t you think?”; in the latter case of regards to a statement from an other, it denotes implicit agreement.  It should be delivered in a timbre with rising inflection (upwards in pitch), and only takes place after a full clause.  The clause may be dependent or independent.

In terms of writing, it is its own paragraph, drawing attention to what is assumed to be a nonverbal reaction to information.

Example: Dude had a [blank] in a [blank] that he was [blank]ing.  [pause] Right???

The same acknowledgment of someone’s nonverbal reaction may be preceded by the phrase, “I know”.

…

I know, right?

Ever.

This two step process replaces comparative adjectives (but may be used sparingly on qualifying adjectives).

1. Use the superlative form of any adjective to precede your noun. (eg., most awesome, awesomest, most awesomest, etc.)
2. Append “Ever.” as its own sentence, following the modified noun.
   Bonus: For extra emphasis, the superlative adjective may also come to a full stop, allowing the predicate noun, now modified, to be its own sentence.

This change in the American English language is the strangest. Habit. Ever.

I’mma

Recently popularized by recording and performing artist Kanye West, this contraction replaces the first person singular future tense auxiliary verb, better known as “I am going to”.

The fact that it is common enough to change only one tense for a part of speech may suggest that the zeitgeist of the American’s individual psyche is actually quite teleological — at least when it comes to verbs.