Out of Character

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me how much blogs are used to vent negativity.

It’s like when you talk to your friends about their respective relationships, and they only tell you anecdotes about the what pisses them off because those are the socially acceptable vent-worthy things to talk about.  It’s not like you want to hear about the positive anecdotes at the risk of it being vomit-inducing cute or including the prospect of getting waaaaay too much information to remain comfortable.

So firstly, props to the positive bloggers out there.  You all know who you are, and time and time again I have characterized you as rays of goddamn sunshine.  That’s what you are, and that’s why I read you so often.

But on the letting-off-steam note, I’ve found that some are more skilled at venting creatively than most.  My case examples are Deutlich, Ex-Everything, and Adie.  If I had a bladder problem, your blogs would exploit it.  I mean, I sincerely hope your days are going swell, but when you hit a shit-storm, you can sure rip the universe a new one, and this often results in me wetting myself under stifled laughter.  And when you can make a man unintentionally urinate, you know you’ve got him.

…er…

Anyway, I’d like to try my hand at venting simply because I’ve never attempted, and to introduce the unprecedented-because-this-is-out-of-character-for-Nico post:

The Nicopolitan Shit List (caveat lector)

• Guys Who Don’t Call Back After Promising To Call - Not guys who don’t call me back, guys who don’t call girls back.  Seriously, how hard is this?  If you say you’re gonna call just call because otherwise you’re screwing it up for the rest of us.  And why is it that it’s you guys who get to rep our gender?  Bullshit.  And even if you’re a douchebag, isn’t being obligated to call a girl something to brag about in front of your brahs?  Give the ladies what they want.  A facking call.  Stop perpetuating the stereotype.
• Shit Talk About Los Angeles - Y’see, when you say “LA”, you should be thinking “Hollywood”, and when you say “Hollywood”, you should be thinking “Burbank”.  When we say LA, we mean Compton, Inglewood, Echo Park, Silverlake, NoHo, Glendale, Eagle Rock, Koreatown — so stop thinking we’re superficial blondes with fashion accessory dogs and a trust fund.  And yes, most of us do work in the entertainment industry, but that’s how we pay our rent and our student loans.  We’re on the frontlines of the industry, not in front of the camera.  We’re not celebrities.  We’re the people who hold boom microphones, edit film by looping a 3 second clip for hours before we move onto the next 3 seconds, and sit in years worth of traffic just so you can unwind from your day on your god damned couch in front of your idiot box.  We don’t think we’re better than you, we just think it’s bullshit that you think you’re better than what you think is us.  By the way, you’re welcome, you ungrateful potatoes.
• Inconsiderate (read: not necessarily aggressive) Drivers - Would it kill you to use your turn signals?  Because it might kill you to not.
• Hesitant Drivers - ARE YOU CHANGING LANES OR ARE YOU NOT CHANGING LANES!? THIS IS THE FREEWAY, NOT THE DRIVE-WHEN-YOU-FEEL-COMFORTABLE-WAY.
• People Who Claim To Be Sarcastic - You are so using this word correctly. In all honesty, you’re just a smartass.  Which is great!  No, seriously.  A smartass is highly prefered over a dumbass.  But it would be great if you knew the difference between smartass and sarcasm.  I’m jus’ sayin’.
• People Who Treat Customer Service Like Shit Over Whatever - Okay, so the customer is always right, but just because you’re right doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole about it.  I feel like people who raise a hissy fit because they don’t get something they want exactly the way they want it are the same people who create drama out of stupid minutia, and are just grown up versions of children who got toys for screaming bloody murder in a Toys Я Us.  You’re the kind of person who loves to tell people, “I told you so”, aren’t you?  Might I recommend considering laxatives to get that stick out of your ass?
• People Who Say They’re Random - You’re not random.  You’re actually very acceptable as far as social conventions go.  Random is the crackhead who comes to my bar to stare blankly at me no more than a foot away while I smoke a cigarette, and then lectures me about things like Ecuador, pigeon droppings, or the color yellow, who I never know plans to ask for change, stab me, or tell me a joke.  That is random.  You are just energetic and/or easily distracted.  Don’t get me wrong, I love you self-proclaimed randoms to death, but I really wish there was a better word for how you’re trying to describe yourself.  Oh, wait: idiosyncratic.
• People Who Say “Smoking Will Kill You” - Holy shit!  No way!  Really!?  I had no idea!  If you couldn’t sense the sarcasm there, let me just say that I’m not doing this to be cool or because I think I’m invincible.  Look, I am self-destructive.  Leave me be or get swallowed by the blast radius.
• Women Who Use Feminism As An Excuse To Be A Man-Hater - If you get to dismiss me at a bar with just a scoff, talk shit about me because I’m a guy, assume you know exactly what is going on in my head because “all men are the same”, belittle my intelligence because I’m nothing more than a disembodied penis, and use any poor example of my gender to exemplify me as a person, then I get to do the same to you.  Why?  Because feminism is about EQUALITY, not a unidirectional power-reversal.  It would behoove you to get to know Virginia Woolf and Kathleen Hanna.  Do your homework before you pick up your next -ism.
• Homeless People Who Treat Me Like A Vending Machine - I will give you a cigarette if you stick around for a second, I could pay for a sandwich with a credit card if you just waited for a minute, I will even listen to your complete lie of a sob story just for the sake of conversation.  You treat me like a person, I treat you like a person.  That’s how it works.  But if you’re walking away and mumbling as soon as you see me shrug, you can go fuck yourself.
• YouTube Trolls - Ugh.  You people make the English language look so fucking stupid and bigoted.  And moreover, you don’t even give back to the world by creating content, so you just litter on what’s already there.  You are the reason we don’t have as much content on the internet as we should.  You may claim that you don’t create content because you supposedly “have a life”, but then again, you are commenting on YouTube…
• Bed Time - I hated you as a child and I still hate you now.  You’re always showing up early and you’re all like, “Weaow, man, it’s three o’clock, man, nyuh nyuh,” and I’m like “Shit, dude!  This Javascript is still broken and you decide to show up now? I’m gonna feel like crap tomorrow morning, aren’t I?” and you’re all, “Yeah, man, das how Bed Time works, man, so like, brush y’teeth, and git’n bed, bleh bleh myeh.”  Screw you, bed time.  What the hell is with your speech impediment, anyway?