Bartendresses
August 25th, 2008 Posted in Life As A Nico
I really should just the word “bartender” if only for the convenience of it being a shorter word…
Moving on to the real meat of this post, I’ve been seeing a trend at our bar lately:
Our new hires, if female, are always unreasonably attractive.
Y’see, we’ve got a new one this time around, and she is gorgeous. And not stereotypical supermodel gorgeous, because let’s face it, there’s nothing attractive about the worry that if you tap her on the shoulder you’ll break her collar bone. No, our new bartendress has a healthy color to her skin and has curves that kill.
And how they kill, those murderous curves.
But what really makes her a winner is that she’ll smile at you when you get her attention and will giggle at your stupid quips when you order or receive your drink. Nice and flirty, she knows how to leak a good tip out of you. Smart girl.
And that’s why I like her. She makes us money. It also helps that I firmly believe there’s nothing more attractive in a woman than when you can tell there are some well-oiled gears turning in her brain. Not necessarily the hint of being manipulative, just knowing there’s more to her than she’s letting on.
I realize that’s vague but it’s meant to be. Besides, it relinquishes us of qualifying females on superficial tenets.
To be fair, our bar owner let me know that he wanted to specifically hire “some hot chicks up in here” as he so eloquently put it, but I didn’t know he was actually going to follow through with it. I thought it was him being a bro. Seeing it in action has certainly convinced me that this is actually a sound business strategy - especially if she herself is in on it.
Oh, how we men are so easily manipulated. And oh, how we men who hire the manipulators are probably also manipulatees of these ever-so-skilled manipuladies.
This means that the word “bartender” simply doesn’t cut it. “Bartendress” is a higher achievement and connotes abilities that are just not possible with male hires.
You’re a good looking bartender? Cool, you can probably sling some mean drinks. Good for you.
You’re a good looking bartendress? Nay, you are a goddess. Men will ritually sacrifice their sobriety as offerings, and will prostrate themselves at your feet in humility and adoration just to get a stolen look at your pedicure.
Murderous curves, indeed.
And now, at our bar, dangerous curves ahead.
Gentlemen, watch your downhill speed.
Hahaha! Thanks for quashing the mundaniety (?) of my rainy morning with an elegant read. Love it when new words are coined. My only curves, those at the edges of the lips, depend on this sort of thing in order to appear. :)
I’ve never seen an attractive bartendress. I wish that weren’t the case. Baristas are a different story. We’ve had plenty of cute baristas around.
So, maybe I’ll patronize your bar? A free whiskey for the blog buddy?
Every single bartender in my college town is gorgeous… it’s like a pre-requisite.
This was an excellent post. My favorite part:
“Oh, how we men are so easily manipulated. And oh, how we men who hire the manipulators are probably also manipulatees of these ever-so-skilled manipuladies.”
True, but in my experience, these types of women are also easily manipulated. We know we’re getting caught up in our own nets, but we can’t help it. You have to, if you’re any good at it. ;-)
I want to print this out and put it up somewhere so I can see it whenever I feel it necessary.
Hmm.. hot chicks are the best
I had a whole comment planned out and then I got too distracted by the clever Deutlich. Boy is she right. ;)
I love the word “manipuladies”. Well done.
That’s got to be soooo awesome for business!
Ha, this is a great post. I always wonder why bars don’t solely hire gorgeous girls- it’s a great tactic!
@Cess: I’ll take mundaneiety, sure. :)
@Eric: I guarantee you at least one whisky, even if our hot bartender isn’t around.
@Maxie: What town is this? I mean, for statistics purposes…
@verybadcat: I think the whole feminine mystique screws with both genders. It’s like throwing EVERYONE for a loop!
@deutlich: Especially when we define “hot” correctly!
@the almost right word: The power of deutlich is not to be underestimated.
@Angela: I did think it was pretty fun. Heh.
@ToughGirl101: You have noooo idea! No seriously, the haul that night was pretty satisfactory and we didn’t even expect people to drink heavy because nobody walked out piss drunk.
@nicoleantoinette: The tactic is hard to pull off, but it definitely works, I’ll tell you that.
Nico. You’ve been holding out. Spill the beans on this bar you attend now!
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